The Big O

DAY: 19
LOCATION: Singapore

We didn’t get out of bed until 2pm. A combination of amazing pillows, sleep, and really good sex. If it hadn’t been for that other main biological driver – food – we might not have gotten up at all.

“Pool?” Levi suggested.

“Pool,” I confirmed.

I slipped into my new bikini feeling a thousand times more confident than last night. I look good, I thought, admiring my (very subtle) curves. I’m a woman. Funny how primal acts can remind you of the obvious.

“Coffee?” I offered, tinkering with the Nespresso machine as he got ready.

“Sure,” his accent floated in from the other room. I smiled at the connection between his salt and pepper hair and Clooney’s. Advertising works, friends.

He walked in and I handed him the espresso. It felt far more natural than it should’ve. Like, of course we met two weeks ago in Sydney and just combined our bodies in blissful union in Singapore and I’m making you coffee before we go to the pool. Totally normal, totally don’t want us to date or fall in love or get married. Totally cool with casual sex.

NOT. I thought of Monika – Wait. Wait. WAIT! Well, I hadn’t, and now here I was having all the feelings. Right back to being a girl.

We perched up on a couple of chaises and ordered salads. All I wanted to do was share intimate details of our lives, but he opened the Financial Times so I took out my iPad. Not that I could concentrate on reading a single word of Guenon or Coomaraswamy. I needed something much lighter. Like a text from the producer.

David: So flying to fest on 9th. Use this credit card to book the flight.

BERLIN WAS A GO!! I contained my enthusiasm as I searched Google for the most reasonable flight out of Bangkok. Glancing over at Levi, I relaxed a bit knowing I would very likely see him in a month.

“Got my flight to Berlin, layover in Moscow, ha,” I kissed his shoulder.

“Do you know where you’re staying? I’ll plan something for us there that weekend,” he said. (Again, containing enthusiasm.) “What do you feel like doing tonight? Shall I book us dinner somewhere?”

I nodded. He made a couple of phone calls and found a place.

“Where are we going?” I asked, curious about everything.

“I’m not telling,” he smiled. “It’s a surprise. Now the real question is, gym or a beer?”

“Why not both?”

“Excellent point.”

We chilled under the grey sky awhile longer, then hit the fitness center. He liked the floral Betsey Johnson workout pants I was wearing. Ugh. James had given them to me. Hello guilt.

Contrary to what 40 Dates might have you believe, I’m actually terrible at juggling multiple guys. At least, once it involves sex. I knew I didn’t owe James anything, that we weren’t in a relationship and I wasn’t cheating, but we had been texting pretty much every night (another thing Monika had warned me against – you’re so frickin smart Mon!!) It more just felt… misleading and unfair.

That passed pretty quickly though as I jogged on the treadmill, listening to Adele. Send My Love had been my anthem when James had broken up with me, a reminder that he had “set me free.” I’d had emotional amnesia through so much of that relationship, constantly forgetting the intense pain he caused me every time he got angry and threatened to leave. Whether or not Levi was my guy, he was reminding me that there were other men out there, that it was okay to move on. And damn did he look cute in a down dog…

He caught me staring at him. Thankfully my face was red enough he couldn’t see me blush. I got back to my calisthenics drills, lunging away to Remedy.

After the workout, we showered and got ready for the mystery dinner.

“You are beautiful,” Levi said as I came out of the bathroom.

“Thank you,” I replied. I wondered if this line would ever got old. If it would wither over the decades, like my still fair skin, or retain its depth, like true beauty. Right then, it reached some core need to be seen and appreciated.

In the Uber, I remembered we were in Singapore. The immaculately clean city whirred around us. I’d been here once before, a few years back with my parents, a stopover on a cruise. Nothing looked familiar, and yet it all looked familiar. The paradox of our globalized world.

We got dropped at the Gardens by the Bay on the marina. Giant glowing floral columns bursting with iridescent blue caps towered over us. The “Supertrees.” Fantastic vertical gardens, racing us into the future. I snapped my first photo in Singapore.

A tram like the ones at Disneyland took us to our destination: Pollen. An elegant restaurant with chic architecture and views of the bay, it was uniquely located next to the Flower Dome. The maitre d’ informed us the garden would be closing soon, if we wanted to enjoy a stroll before beginning our dinner. Why yes, in fact, we would!

As we walked hand in hand, admiring native plants from all over the world, the surreal feeling returned. Was this really happening? Was I really in front of an African baobab tree in the largest glass greenhouse in the world? Was I Alice in Wonderland, and this my Little Prince?

“My mom would adore this place,” Levi wrapped his arm around my waist, drawing me closer. I pictured his mom in her garden in Johannesburg, my mom in her studio painting landscapes. Would they get along? I was a child with a million questions.

“Mine too.”

We returned to our table and our server brought us menus.

“May I bring you a glass of champagne to start?” He repeated the customary offering.

I looked at Levi. He gave me a mischievous smile. I grabbed the menu, gesturing for him to order first.

“I’ll have a beer, which would you recommend?”

As they discussed the merits of what was on tap, I looked over the wines. It’d been a year and a half since I’d had any alcohol. Well, that wasn’t totally true, I’d had sips of wine here and there, over holidays and special occasions. But I hadn’t had a full glass of anything in all that time.

“Can I try this Pinot Noir?” I pointed to one of the lavishly priced wines by the glass, and the server disappeared.

“Am I corrupting you?” Levi grinned.

“Not at all,” I replied. I flashed on that morning- his skin, his taste, the way he moved me around. “… okay, maybe a little.”

The server returned with our drinks and took our order. Levi got the regular tasting menu, and the kitchen prepared me my first ever vegan tasting menu. The whole experience was exquisite, from the three part amuse to the heavenly beet risotto to the decadent dessert.

As for the conversation, I got some of the intimacy I’d been desiring at the pool. Although the more I opened up, particularly about James and my history of codependency, the more I wondered if I was sharing too much this early in the game. I loved getting personal, OBVIOUSLY, but I felt super vulnerable, and it was hard to get a read on him.

“Anyway, I don’t need anything from a relationship the way I used to,” I reassured him. “It’s like Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece and the Big O. I’m rolling on my own now, just looking for someone else to enjoy the ride with!”

Unless that ride included a lot of dinners like Pollen and rooms at the Hyatt. Then I might need someone to pick up the tab. But other than that, I meant what I said. I didn’t need romantic love to save me from the world anymore, to make me feel alive and fulfilled. Just like I no longer needed exercise in order to eat, or alcohol to tolerate social situations. Maybe I still had some rough edges, some chips here and there, but I really was rolling on my own. And damn, if it didn’t feel good.