DAY: 44
LOCATION: Koh Phangan, Koh Samui

It was my last full day in Thailand, my last morning on Phangan. What did I want to do? Breakfast/ journal/ yoga, of course, but I finished that by 10am. There were still several hours to kill before my ferry to Samui, and several wonderful people I’d met on the island…

Addie and Britt were unfortunately busy with their respective spiritual programs. That left the boys. I’d already wrapped things up nicely with Avi, but not so much with Fritz. I sent him a message.

Me: Let me know if you want to meet for juice or lunch or energy healing :)
Fritz: I am free today, just had a massage :) tell me more about energy healing :)
Me: Haha I need you to tell me more about energy healing, it’s your path! <3
Fritz: I would love to.

He picked me up and took me to Akasha Home Restaurant, an organic veg place that lived up to its name. Its neighborhood...

DAY: 43
LOCATION: Koh Phangan

Today was about Agama. The boys had been nice, but they weren’t why I was here. Or maybe they were, but as part of a larger picture, one I couldn’t currently see from my zoomed-in perspective. At any rate, I needed yogic guidance.

The first class was at 8:30am. I arrived 15 minutes early, but already a long line snaked out to the road. I’d never seen such a queue for yoga before. The rock concert of hatha!

It turned out to be the first day of the First Level Intensive Course. It lasted a month, with two classes daily, and the first day of drop-in free of charge. Glancing around at the fellow yogis, in their free-flowing linens and flower of life tattoos, I became self-conscious. I don’t belong here, with my party girl history and Nike running pants. Look! That gorgeous girl has armpit hair! I’m still stuck in the habit of shaving!

The studio was more...

DAY: 42
LOCATION: Koh Phangan

Sure enough, I felt weird as hell the next morning on my ritual stroll. Did I really get naked in front of those people last night? Did I really imagine a whole future with a 27-year-old Ascending Tantric boy? Was that man in the igloo really touching himself in a way that made me exit the igloo immediately? I needed to ground myself in reality.

By going out with the Israeli. Avi grabbed me from Benjamin’s Hut around noon and whisked me up north. Along the way we stopped for some fresh fruit. The vendor cut up the papaya in front of us, and Avi gave him some extra baht for his troubles. I liked watching him interact with the locals – he was warm-hearted and generous.

It took a little searching, but we eventually found the secret beach. As promised, the water was a magnificent teal, the sand soft and inviting.

“I saw George Clooney here one year,” Avi...

DAY: 41
LOCATION: Samui, Koh Phangan

My last class and breakfast at Vikasa did not disappoint. Sunrises on infinity pools and scruff on sexy yogis, warm tropical breezes and coconut milk coffees – these were a few of my favorite things. I actually felt sad that I wasn’t staying on Samui the whole time now, but I knew adventures awaited on Koh Phangan.

A shuttle picked me up at 3pm and delivered me to Bo Phut pier. I found a bench to set my bag down on the ferry then draped myself on the railing. It was partly cloudy, which meant cotton candy thunderheads and poetic sun breaks. This is the life I signed up for! I thought as we pulled away from the dock, borrowing my mom’s favorite phrase.

As I fawned over nature’s grandeur the whole trip, nobody else seemed to be paying attention. A group of bros slammed beers, a tatted couple made out, some women gossiped, but not a single other...

DAY: 40
LOCATION: Koh Samui

My day began with Jay Dyer. There’s probably a gentler podcast I could’ve listened to at 7am, especially on the way to Vikasa, but this was what I chose. A Boiler Room episode with the Hollywood Esoteric expert discussing Trump, social justice warriors, and the divide and conquer techniques being wielded by the elite.

From what people had been telling me, I’d been missing a lot of panic and anxiety stateside. “Think of it this way,” one friend said, “for a lot of people, Trump being elected is the worst thing that’s ever happened to them. It’s like, everything was great before November 8th, and then the world fell apart.” It made me want to shake them – wake up!! Trump is a symptom, not the cause!! – but more than anything I felt sympathy. It’d been traumatic when I’d had my world view turned upside down, and let’s face it, things were only going to get...

DAY: 39
LOCATION: Koh Samui

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Day 38 had been so lovely, I decided to press repeat, with a few tweaks. Like 20 photos of the sunrise instead of 30 (can’t, stop, pushing, button), and mango with my cornflakes rather than banana. In all seriousness, my change in attitude was really improving my experience of Chaweng. I even managed to enjoy a coconut at a trashy beach bar with songs about tequila playing.

For lunch I tried a place recommended on Happy Cow – Vegan Khunnay. While not quite at the level of the buffets in Surat Thani and Vientiane, this hole in the wall delivered. I got a heaping plate of authentic Thai cuisine for $2, right near the awful touristy center with its shopping mall and Hard Rock Café. A diamond in the rough.

After some Hitchiker’s on the beach, I once again walked to Vikasa. It reminded me of when I used to bike to UCLA from...

DAY: 38
LOCATION: Koh Samui

It didn’t take long to discover the secret to enjoying Chaweng – walking the beach at sunrise. For those first couple hours, everything was still except the ocean. Soft light broke through the Raphael-like clouds, streaming onto the unmanned boats lulling in the gentle waves. The few other witnesses watched reverently or strolled slowly, the beach a temple, the sun its altar. This was one thing commercialism hadn’t managed to co-opt. Yet.

For breakfast I figured I’d be able to find some street vendors like in Phu Quoc or Luang Prabang. Wrong. I walked for a mile and a half down empty streets past closed shops. Only the convenience stores were open. I finally found one with some fresh cut fruit out front.

“How much for this mango?” I asked, not finding a price.

“100 baht,” the woman replied curtly.

“Seriously??” I laughed, shocked. I didn’t want to come...

DAY: 37
LOCATION: Surat Thani, Koh Samui

Some people vibrate on such a high level that just being in their presence can elevate you. They don’t have to say or do anything at all, their aura is enough to affect change in others, to warm the room and soften hearts. Such was my experience with the man running the buffet at Surat Thani Vegetarian.

As soon as I walked into the restaurant, I was touched by its spiritual ambiance. After walking along dirty streets and disheveled buildings, it felt like a hidden oasis, tucked away in a side alley. Although the building itself resembled a warehouse, with cement floors and aluminum ceilings, the enlighteneed decorations transformed the space. A gorgeous sculpture of a smiling Buddha face with fountain and trees greeted me from the back courtyard, and I immediately felt at home.

When I went to order my food, I knew I’d found some place really...

DAY: 36
LOCATION: Vientiane, Bangkok, Surat Thani

In preparation for my travel day, I did sunrise yoga by the pool on a towel. It was the perfect morning for it, with the sky covered in altocumulus clouds, the temperature just right, and a really hot guy on the treadmill inside. Actually, the really hot guy was a really big distraction and he never once checked me out which made me feel kind of bad, but whatever, it was still pretty good.

I had a couple of hours to kill after breakfast and packing, so I visited one last temple and Noy’s Fruit Heaven, a popular smoothie place. The mango, banana, avocado concoction hit the spot, but the highlight was the smoothiologist telling me my smile “lit up the room.” Take that, really hot guy!!

My self-esteem restored, I returned to my hotel and had the receptionist call me a tuk tuk. The ride triggered a memory from four years earlier...