Kundalini Rising

DAY: 44
LOCATION: Koh Phangan, Koh Samui

It was my last full day in Thailand, my last morning on Phangan. What did I want to do? Breakfast/ journal/ yoga, of course, but I finished that by 10am. There were still several hours to kill before my ferry to Samui, and several wonderful people I’d met on the island…

Addie and Britt were unfortunately busy with their respective spiritual programs. That left the boys. I’d already wrapped things up nicely with Avi, but not so much with Fritz. I sent him a message.

Me: Let me know if you want to meet for juice or lunch or energy healing :)
Fritz: I am free today, just had a massage :) tell me more about energy healing :)
Me: Haha I need you to tell me more about energy healing, it’s your path! <3
Fritz: I would love to.

He picked me up and took me to Akasha Home Restaurant, an organic veg place that lived up to its name. Its neighborhood feel was amplified by the fact Fritz knew two different couples lounging on the patio. The interior looked very house-like, and I wouldn’t have been surprised at all if the ex-pat owner lived upstairs. He excitedly explained menu items to us, as if every recipe were his baby.

We settled on pumpkin soup, a macrobiotic platter, and a raw chocolate ball for dessert. The four tables were all taken, so the owner laid out a blanket in the grass for an impromptu picnic. We sipped on a fresh coconut together under palm leaves. The tropical Lady and the Tramp.

“How do you know so many people here?” I asked.

“It’s a small community, you come stay here for a couple months each year you know everybody. There are some families also experimenting with living here full time a little further up north. You’d like it, they are vegan, growing their own food, homeschooling their children.”

I thought of Russell Brand and his idea of tons of small communities based on shared interests and a “live and let live” vibe. Was I supposed to be raising vegan children on Koh Phangan with a Dutchman? Or jet setting around the world with Coal Dude calling Switzerland home base? Such opposite ends of the spectrum.

Our food came, and we blessed it together. Admittedly it felt a little funny – maybe some old judgments from years of repeating “Come Lord Jesus be our guest” before every dinner. But I just tried to stay as open as possible. After all, I did feel blessed to be enjoying this meal with Fritz, and I was always grateful for vegan eats.

“Do you want to go back to my place after this? Or maybe for a swim?”

“A swim would be lovely!” I said, not wanting a repeat of Avi’s hotel room scene.

He drove us to a nearby beach. As we walked through the jungle to the sparkling sand, he turned to me. “It’s a nude beach, but you can still wear your swimsuit if you want.”

“Sure, okay,” I nodded, the sanguine curves of a European woman coming into view. I tried not to stare at the rose tattoo creeping up her hip.

“I hope you don’t mind I will go naked,” he smiled. I shook my head, definitely not staring as he took off his clothes. I kept mine on and headed for the water.

“Isn’t it magical?” He said as we floated in the crystal bathwaters.

“Like a dream,” I replied. That was exactly how it felt – a dream. Completely unreal. How could this possibly exist? Some part of me was resisting it. Too beautiful, too perfect.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked. It sounded so sweet, so innocent.

“Yes.”

It wasn’t the magnetic dynamism I felt with Levi, consuming my being, but it contained something else. A sort of… loving quality. A tantric tenderness, perhaps. A welcome surrender.

Up on the sand, near Rose Tattoo and a couple of other flawless bodies, I made a sudden decision.

“Why don’t you come stay the night with me in Samui?”

“Are you sure?” he studied me. I nodded. If only American guys cared this much about consent! “I would love to.”

We stopped by his cottage to pick up an overnight bag. It was pretty barebones, but for $300 a month I had no problem envisioning myself in one for a month or two. Anyway, Fritz had made it his own, with crystals and wall hangings and other occultist paraphernalia.

“Is that a book on Jodorowsky?” I knelt down to pick it up. “I watched The Holy Mountain just before I left LA. What a trip!”

“Let’s bring it!” he tossed it in his bag and we took off.

At the pier, I finally started to sense that circling energy between us Fritz had talked about the night we met. As I sat on a bench, watching him listen to a street musician 20 yards away, our consciousness suddenly seemed to merge.

“You feel it now,” he sat down next to me. “It’s amazing, no? You are shining.”

“Something like that, yes.”

He held me on the ferry and we watched Phangan shrink away. “Hard to believe we are creating all of this. That it’s all just some sort of illusion. Some sort of dream,” he whispered in my ear. This was exactly what I’d wanted three days ago! I squeezed his hand tightly, drifting, floating, expanding…

Things got a little more real back on dry land. First, he insisted on taking my suitcase, and the broken wheel clearly aggravated him. Second, the The Boardroom Beach Bungalows proved difficult to find. We paced back and forth in the spot Google maps showed, looking for some clue. Finally one of the shop owners pointed us to an unmarked gate. Hooray!

Except third, no one was there to check us in. We knocked on the door, no answer. I tried the phone number, no answer. We gave up and sat at a table overlooking the water.

“You must be Amy?” a large jovial man appeared 15 minutes later.

“Oh yes, thank god!” I jumped up.

“Here, I’ll show you guys to your room.”

We got settled in. It wasn’t the Hyatt, not even close, with its worn mattress, cramped bathroom, and Van Gogh “Night Café” lighting. I felt slightly embarrassed, but Fritz seemed to think it was pretty decent. He hopped in the shower, rinsing off the sea air, then I took one after.

“Would you like me to give you a massage?” he asked.

“Is that a real question?” I grinned, laying face down on the bed, removing the towel.

I wish I could explain to you what happened next, but it’s impossible to do it justice. I could tell you he blessed my body, acknowledging the divine feminine within me, which he did. I could also tell you he enveloped me in a feeling of universal love, transferring radiant energy into every part of my body, particularly my heart chakra, which he also did. But those are just words on a screen, and ones that sound rather silly at that. How exactly does one describe the awakening of kundalini?*

If I had only one word for my experience, I would say “healing.” How long had I been searching for someone to share this depth of connection with? How many men had I opened myself up to only to be disappointed once again? How twisted had my views on sexuality become through so much trial and error, through so much assault by a polarized culture, at once condemning and fetishizing that which creates life, that which can further awaken consciousness?

“I was beginning to think it didn’t exist, that thing I’ve always been looking for,” I told Fritz. “But it does. And the craziest part is, I don’t need anything from you. Like, it’s already perfect, it’s already enough. Does that make sense?”

He nodded. “Now you’ll know when you meet another man who has it. Who has accessed the god within him. You don’t have to hurt anymore.”

And I didn’t. Maybe I would in the future – heck, maybe I would tomorrow on the plane – but the rest of the night I felt weightless. At Vikasa for dinner, on the back of his bike, on the lumpy mattress – I was nothing but light. Pure, sparkling light.

*Actually, Lalla the Buddha does a pretty good job explaining tantra to the newbie. If you’re interested, you can find her discussing it here.